Stop Lying, You’re Not Really Abstinent

When I was a young girl growing up in Brooklyn my mother always used to say to me that my body was my temple. The topic of boys wasn’t discussed without my mother spitting those 5 famous words at least three times (the beginning, middle, and end of the conversation). My mom would be glad to know that her words stuck with me well into my adult life, but perhaps not so happy that they didn’t translate to me the way she may have hoped.

Abstinence was never really my thing because the benefits behind the decision (a clear head, strong self-love, appreciation for my body, etc.) I already possessed. With that being said, I don’t and never had a problem with abstinence or those who choose to abstain. My problem is with women who choose to abstain or make the decision to go on a mancation because of a dude or recent heartbreak. I don’t see how these “periods of abstinence” honor you or your body in any way because they are only being enforced because of your personal insecurities or to forcefully defend yourself from the opposite sex. You aren’t trying to find God or do some inner soul-searching. Stop lying, you’re trying to find false assurance that the next guy won’t do you like the last guy.

“I Think It’s Time I Waited Until Marriage” I’m sorry but you didn’t think of that BEFORE you let the entire college football team run through you during undergrad? I’m not saying abstaining until marriage is a bad thing but don’t position your decision to make yourself look like an faux angel (i.e. born again virgin). News Flash: These don’t exist and you’re not fooling anyone. You feel bad for letting loose a bit too much and you’re really trying to work on your image. I get it and so does everyone else. When Mr. Paid Fine Piece of Chocolate comes along, you’ll ditch the “waiting until marriage” bit to sing “abstinence is so overrated” soon after he showers you with the same kind of false affection and attention you received from all the others before. In the next couple of months you’ll switch right back to the born again virgin bit.

“I’m Going To Wait Until The Right Guy Comes Along” Not as bad as the born again virgin but it’s really almost the same concept. Instead of worrying about a bad image, you’re trying to mask a broken heart and damaged ego. However, as soon as the next guy comes along who shows you the same kind of interest, the tune will change from pro-abstinence to pro-new guy. And the cycle will once again continue…

“It’s Only Temporary” Right, and how long exactly is temporary? Again, this decision to abstain had to do with some guy who screwed you over. Temporary mancations only last as long as it takes for your heartbreak to subside and for you to get over your ex. Honestly, this really shouldn’t qualify as abstinence because it’s an elongated stage of a person’s healing process after a bad breakup. When you’re heart is broken you really aren’t in the mood to deal with anyone else because your mind is still focused on your ex (a good reason why rebounds often don’t work). If the ex was to come back, you’re mancation would find an abrupt halt.

See a pattern here? Not only do I see a pattern, but I see one continuous cycle where women try and play some sort of game where their most precious private part becomes a high priced commodity that can be bought with the right attitude and a nice smile from a gentleman.

In my opinion, abstinence isn’t to be taken lightly and I applaud the women who are doing it for themselves and not to prove a point or as a defense mechanism from heartbreak. People who are truly abstinent have a strong foundation and detailed guidelines that they are committing to.

The Cut-Off Period/Good Follow Through: A good vow of abstinence is not complete without a set cut off period that does not depend on an outside source. If you are waiting until marriage, that is your personal commitment and you follow through regardless of whether a good man comes along or not. If you made a vow of abstinence for a year, you fight through the sexual urges that may arise or any temptations that may come up because you are personally doing it for yourself.

Adding Intimacy By Other Means:
Following through on a vow of abstinence can be very difficult at times, especially if you are in a serious relationship with someone for a long period of time. After talking to a few people who have done so successfully, one thing they all had in common was finding other ways to be intimate with each other and finding ways to connect with one another. Keep it simple, yet creative.

The Purpose: It goes without saying but to stay on track with a true vow of abstinence there needs to be both a purpose and set goals you’re trying to attain. The stronger your reason and commitment to following through, the easier it is to succeed.

About Carla Clunis
You can find more of Carla’s musings on love and relationships at www.theheartmalfunctions.com where she blogs about the ups and downs of dating and relating.

Also, help Theheartmalfunctions.com win “Best New Blog” for the 2011 Black Weblog Award HERE.
—— By: Carla Clunis

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