I have been missing in action these past few weeks and have finally settled back into the swing of things. The time away from has my writing has surprisingly brought me a bit closer to EmWash (Mike) and the small nuances that happen in our relationship.
One thing we pretty much grew past and ultimately resolved was the issue of flirting outside of our relationship. I’ve read many points of view on the topic of whether harmless flirting should be enough grounds for a breakup or not and whether flirting should is really only one step away from cheating and, therefore, shouldn’t be tolerated.
In truth, I think unless flirting turns hot, steamy, or physical there is only a slight violation. The violation itself, to me, also doesn’t come in the form of a breach of whatever the commitment is between the two but is found in the lack of respect the person has for you.
Personal story – Mike and I had a very brief “talking period.” We made what we had very official very early on. I’m also a self proclaimed snoop and found out he hadn’t yet gotten rid of what I’ll call “the extras.”
Extras Don’t Matter… If you’re the main act, extras are those people in your SOs life that they keep around just because and with no real intentions except to make those dull moments in life a little less dull (solely flirting). In short, you don’t eff around with extras nor do you ever really develop feelings for them. It’s a sad but honest fact, but if you feel strung along by a guy or girl who seems to give others the time of day, chances you’re just an extra.
Main Acts Should Never Feel Threatened… If you feel threatened by an extra (or what your SO would like you to believe is an extra) to the point you think he or she can take your SO or that they have some special connection with him that you don’t then either a) s/he is NOT just an extra b) you’re NOT really the main act or c) you’re letting the extra get in your head too much. Decide which one it is because there’s no loopholes to the first rule. If you are to feel any type of what that will garnish the results you want, the correct emotion is along the lines of feeling offended that they would think they can have their cake and eat it to or that their behavior was appropriate.
Real Main Acts Realize When They’re Undervalued And Find Another Gig… Ladies especially, never let a man make you feel like you’re not entitled to have the level of commitment you want that he promised to give. You have every right to feel offended and you’re worth way more than to have a man make you feel like some other girl can easily replace you. Cleary, Mike and I worked it out but that didn’t happen overnight nor did it happen without a multitude of pitfalls along the way. One thing that stayed consistent was not allowing him to place blame elsewhere or letting him feel like he was in any way a victim.
Here’s What I Have Learned… When a guy wants you, he isn’t always going to do the noble thing from the jump. He’s going to mess up in some way. In fact, we all do, not just guys. However, how a person deals with their SO’s mess ups determine what the relationship will develop into and eventually be. A lot of times we have a hard time making the hard decision to leave but if someone can’t respect what you want or what you’re worth then you lessen your own value by accepting it.
I’ve left many guys in my past who were not on the same page with me and it always hurt at the moment. Long term, I have developed a stronger sense of self and what I want and deserve.
Ultimately, Flirting Isn’t A Dealbreaker… I can forgive a guy for flirting and even move past it like it never happened. However, if he continues to flirt and disrespect our relationship that is where the dealbreaker is.
Take note of where your relationship is and be honest with yourself about it. If the two of you are just dating and have yet to make anything official, flirting with other people is part of the norm. A guy who wants to be with you makes you his girlfriend. Period. No Comma. If he hasn’t, there is always a reason and you shouldn’t expect more than what he has presented you with. Let me know your thoughts…
About Carla Clunis
You can find more of Carla’s musings on love and relationships at www.theheartmalfunctions.com where she blogs about the ups and downs of dating and relating.
—— By: Carla Clunis