So, I’m on the phone with a male friend of mine when he tells me that him and his girl of two years broke up. He then goes on and on about how much he did for her and how much she (and all women in his past) never appreciated anything that he has done.
Fast forward and I’m having a conversation with my SO about one of his exes and he recites something similar that my male friend said which was that he felt that girls in his past didn’t appreciate him.
Both of them came to the conclusion that they should alter their behavior and become jerks. Neither of them have it in them to do so but this really got me thinking.
Do the unappreciated black men turn into the jerks we as women despise? Are we the reasons that chivalry and the idea of a “good, wholesome black man” has died? As a female, we are almost hardwired to believe that WE are the unappreciated ones in relationships while guys are the ones who couldn’t care less about the things we do for them.
I like to surround myself with good people and of the good people I surround myself with are good, black men. Most of these men are single and NOT looking for anything serious and are “playing the field.” This “playing the field” consists of going out, meeting women, casually sexing women, and redoing this ritual the next weekend.
I’m just the female friend so I don’t see the harm or that these guys I think of as good examples of good black men are really out there feeding into “all n*gg*s ain’t shyt” mentality women harbor. Peeling the onion another layer, I asked a few of these male friends why they no longer wish to commit and most of the responses were along the lines of some woman or many women not appreciating them for the good they offered them or a woman they really cared for that cheated on them.
Big deal!! Almost every woman has been there, I thought. But maybe that’s the difference, when women are hurt we nag, we cry, we throw a fit, and then we move on and hope our love is better received somewhere else. Guys shut down completely and any woman who comes afterward is doomed to having half of the man (if even that) that the last woman had.
This plagued my relationship for some time and I’ve found that the only way to do battle with the “unappreciated black man” is to over appreciate him without coming off as psycho, clingy, or any qualities that can be deemed “crazy.”
Something as simple as “thank you” even for mundane things such as holding the door open for you or carrying your heavy suitcase up a flight or stairs goes a long way and shows a guy that you genuinely appreciate him. If he takes you out to dinner, offer to pay half and if he rejects thank him with a hug and a kiss when the two of you are walking out of the restaurant.
Leave no gesture, big or small, unnoticed. Remember, no one owes you anything and your SO does what he does for you out of the kindness of his heart or the hard on in his jeans. Feelings of entitlement only make the unappreciated male feel more unappreciated and it only cause more harm than good for your relationship.
About Carla Clunis
You can find more of Carla’s musings on love and relationships at www.theheartmalfunctions.com where she blogs about the ups and downs of dating and relating.
Also, help Theheartmalfunctions.com win “Best New Blog” for the 2011 Black Weblog Award HERE.
—— By: Carla Clunis