Breaking up can be hard! Even more difficult is when you did not expect the relationship to end. Self-doubt and wondering what happened can consume you.
Whether the breakup was mutual or unexpected, always look at it as another lesson learned. The one thing that makes breaking up hard to deal with is the reality that the relationship is over. No one likes the psycho ex who can’t come to terms with the relationship’s end. Even worse is the bitter ex who can’t brush the chip of breaking up off his or her shoulder. So here are a few tips to help you get over a relationship and on to the next one!
1. Analyze what went wrong. There is no easy way to get over or cope with a breakup but one thing that must happen is figuring what caused the relationship to end. Were you clingy? Were you controlling? Did you invade your partner’s privacy? Once you have identified the cause then you can work on preventing that behavior in your future relationships. We don’t like to admit that something was our fault or that we may have seen signs of the breakup approaching, but denial after a break up will only lead you to fail in future relationships. Take ownership of your conduct which lead to the breakup. Then work on it so you don’t make the same mistake twice. In short, learn from past mistakes and move on.
2. Get a hobby. Being in a relationship is a second full-time job.. You spend time with your partner after work and on weekends. Then you take vacations together, so now your personal time is devoted to your relationship. Once the relationship is over you now have more time on your hands. Remember that saying about idle hands? Well to avoid an idle mind take up an activity that you always wanted. Now you can take the photography class you always wanted, or take a dream exotic vacation with your friends, or write the novel you’ve been processing in your head. Do something to fill the time you previously devoted to your relationship. The distraction will help you heal and get over the pain.
3. Chalk it up to another lesson learned in the quest to find your mate. Let’s face it, as perfect as you are, you cannot have a successful relationship with every person you date, no matter how hard you try. That does not make you or your ex a bad person. There are many rational reasons why a relationship ends. That is because it is not hard to find someone to whom you are attracted. But it is difficult to find someone who has the same relationship goals as you. Understanding that, no matter what you do the relationship was not going to work, makes it easier to move on. Look at the positive qualities from your relationship and use them as a guide to identify your “must haves” in your future relationship. It will help you get closer to the right one for you.
4. Don’t linger when you realize the relationship is not working. Some times you realize that you are incompatible at the beginning. You’re the type of person who likes to take care of others and your partner takes advantage of your generosity. Or you are a very rational person and your partner is overly emotional. In the dating world, take each new relationship for what it is: an opportunity to learn more about what you require from someone and what you can give to another. When you see the relationship is going nowhere, cut your losses as early as possible. It is easier to heal when your wounds are not so deep.
5. Don’t rush into another relationship. Sometimes people, especially men, become serial monogamists. They go from relationship to relationship without taking time to assess past relationship like we suggest in #1 above. By hopping into a relationship too quickly, you are more likely to bring along baggage from your past. Take time to enjoy being single and having some time to yourself. Being comfortable with being single will help you make a smart choice in selecting your next partner.
There are so many things to ponder after a breakup that the list is endless! The most important thing is not to obsess over a breakup and certainly don’t act as if the breakup didn’t phase you. Learn how to cope like an adult so you can heal. The key is to get yourself mentally and emotionally ready to start a new relationship by leaving all of your negativity behind. You don’t want to lose your positivity so you ruin your next relationship.
Also as a side note, when learning how to successfully manage a breakup, don’t go backwards and always move forward. Remember unless you’ve analyzed and addressed the cause of your break up, getting back together is futile.. If you or your partner are unwilling to explore and resolve whatever made you break up, move on completely. Unlike money, you can’t get time back. Make a decision to either work on your relationship or leave it alone.
About Carla Clunis
You can find more of Carla’s musings on love and relationships at www.theheartmalfunctions.com where she blogs about the ups and downs of dating and relating.
Also, help Theheartmalfunctions.com win “Best New Blog” for the 2011 Black Weblog Award HERE.
—— By: Carla Clunis