I was having a rather interesting conversation with my friend over lunch today about the standards we have for the men we let enter into our lives. I told her quite simply that I look for someone who is on my level or a little bit higher.
She gave me a quizzical stare for awhile that I interpreted to mean that she didn’t understand fully what I meant. I responded by questioning what she was looking for. Big mistake on my part because the next thing I knew I got “the grocery list.” I call it the grocery list because like all grocery lists it is many things thrown together that don’t amount to a whole and give a very vague picture of what you already possess and what end result you are looking for.
Females are legendary for this. They want the guy who was the top of his class at a top 10 school, preferably an Ivy league, who studied physics, law, finance, engineering, or economics. They want the tall, built, sexy brotha with the nice smile and big d**k. They want him to be funny and charismatic, have acquired a certain amount of wealth and have worked at reputable firms they can recognize. In short, they want Mr. Flawless.
Playing devil’s advocate and having heard enough of what a woman is looking for I asked my friend what she believes she brings to the table that Mr. Flawless would want to take a second glance at her. Another mistake. One thing I have learned about my fellow females who have obtained a certain level of success is that you can’t tell them they ain’t hott shyt! Again, I received the grocery list.
More annoyed I challenged her and I am also now challenging my female readers. Really, what about yourself makes you a good catch? What do you really bring to the table that a man, especially a good man, would possibly want? Are you intelligent? So what, if your intelligence brings with it an arrogance. Are you independent and financially stable? Again, so what if with that comes a “I can do bad all by myself” or a “I don’t need you in my life” attitude. Are you beautiful? So what, if with beauty comes a high maintenance often vain personality?
Be honest. Understand what your great qualities are but also understand what your faults are as well. When asked what I bring to the table I respond very often with the fact that I have a very adventurous spirit that has no room for drama. I am passionate, collaborative, and easy-going. I don’t make demands of another that I don’t demand of myself and I can be very charming and polite to others when necessary. Very simply, I believe that I bring to the table a partner who will listen and support her SO. When I am with a person, I try very hard to understand what they need and like everyone in my life I challenge them to do better and want better for themselves.
I also know what my flaws are. At times I can be scatterbrained and too brutally honest that it comes off as me being rude or snippy. I oftentimes put up an emotional block very early on in the getting to know each other phase because of a few past issues I am trying to deal with. I can also be lazy at times and rely on my SO to go out of their way to make things easier for me and I can get rather upset when things don’t go my way.
When asked what I want or what I’m looking for I usually respond by saying I need someone who can complement me and see my faults and strengths for what they are and help me improve. I want someone who I can communicate with openly be it sexually, intimately, socially, or silently. I need the guy I’m with to understand that at times I will fall short but when I’m at my best I soar way above the rest. I don’t care what his financial status is or what his career path is. As long as he is motivated and has a passion to do something constructive I am fine. If I guy can make love to my mind, soul, and body that it gives me endless feelings of bliss I have found my Mr. Perfect and I will work hard to be his Mrs. Perfect.
Most females don’t understand my response and think my standards are either too low or that I have no clue what I want. I shrug and live by the motto of to each his or her own. I never admitted to having it all figured out but I have figured out that “the grocery list” approach doesn’t tell me anything about you or what you really need/want out of a relationship. It only tells me about the lifestyle you wish to obtain or the social circle you wish to fit into. It’s selfish at the core and a selfish approach to finding what you want is why a lot of successful women are still single.
Stop only thinking about if X is a good match for you and start considering whether you are honestly a good match for him. You love fashion and detest the outdoors and he takes weekly hiking trips with his friends from his earlier days in summer camp and wears outdated clothes he bought from the Burlington Coat Factory. Whether or not he graduated top of his class at Harvard and works for Goldman Sachs doesn’t mean you guys are a match made in heaven. be realistic and really understand what you need from a potential SO.
About Carla Clunis
You can find more of Carla’s musings on love and relationships at www.theheartmalfunctions.com where she blogs about the ups and downs of dating and relating.
—— By: Carla Clunis
Since 2005, Singersroom has been the voice of R&B around the world. Connect with us via social media below.