I was having a rather interesting conversation with my friend over lunch today about the standards we have for the men we let enter into our lives. I told her quite simply that I look for someone who is on my level or a little bit higher.
She gave me a quizzical stare for awhile that I interpreted to mean that she didn’t understand fully what I meant. I responded by questioning what she was looking for. Big mistake on my part because the next thing I knew I got “the grocery list.” I call it the grocery list because like all grocery lists it is many things thrown together that don’t amount to a whole and give a very vague picture of what you already possess and what end result you are looking for.
Females are legendary for this. They want the guy who was the top of his class at a top 10 school, preferably an Ivy league, who studied physics, law, finance, engineering, or economics. They want the tall, built, sexy brotha with the nice smile and big d**k. They want him to be funny and charismatic, have acquired a certain amount of wealth and have worked at reputable firms they can recognize. In short, they want Mr. Flawless.
Playing devil’s advocate and having heard enough of what a woman is looking for I asked my friend what she believes she brings to the table that Mr. Flawless would want to take a second glance at her. Another mistake. One thing I have learned about my fellow females who have obtained a certain level of success is that you can’t tell them they ain’t hott shyt! Again, I received the grocery list.
More annoyed I challenged her and I am also now challenging my female readers. Really, what about yourself makes you a good catch? What do you really bring to the table that a man, especially a good man, would possibly want? Are you intelligent? So what, if your intelligence brings with it an arrogance. Are you independent and financially stable? Again, so what if with that comes a “I can do bad all by myself” or a “I don’t need you in my life” attitude. Are you beautiful? So what, if with beauty comes a high maintenance often vain personality?
Be honest. Understand what your great qualities are but also understand what your faults are as well. When asked what I bring to the table I respond very often with the fact that I have a very adventurous spirit that has no room for drama. I am passionate, collaborative, and easy-going. I don’t make demands of another that I don’t demand of myself and I can be very charming and polite to others when necessary. Very simply, I believe that I bring to the table a partner who will listen and support her SO. When I am with a person, I try very hard to understand what they need and like everyone in my life I challenge them to do better and want better for themselves.
I also know what my flaws are. At times I can be scatterbrained and too brutally honest that it comes off as me being rude or snippy. I oftentimes put up an emotional block very early on in the getting to know each other phase because of a few past issues I am trying to deal with. I can also be lazy at times and rely on my SO to go out of their way to make things easier for me and I can get rather upset when things don’t go my way.
When asked what I want or what I’m looking for I usually respond by saying I need someone who can complement me and see my faults and strengths for what they are and help me improve. I want someone who I can communicate with openly be it sexually, intimately, socially, or silently. I need the guy I’m with to understand that at times I will fall short but when I’m at my best I soar way above the rest. I don’t care what his financial status is or what his career path is. As long as he is motivated and has a passion to do something constructive I am fine. If I guy can make love to my mind, soul, and body that it gives me endless feelings of bliss I have found my Mr. Perfect and I will work hard to be his Mrs. Perfect.
Most females don’t understand my response and think my standards are either too low or that I have no clue what I want. I shrug and live by the motto of to each his or her own. I never admitted to having it all figured out but I have figured out that “the grocery list” approach doesn’t tell me anything about you or what you really need/want out of a relationship. It only tells me about the lifestyle you wish to obtain or the social circle you wish to fit into. It’s selfish at the core and a selfish approach to finding what you want is why a lot of successful women are still single.
Stop only thinking about if X is a good match for you and start considering whether you are honestly a good match for him. You love fashion and detest the outdoors and he takes weekly hiking trips with his friends from his earlier days in summer camp and wears outdated clothes he bought from the Burlington Coat Factory. Whether or not he graduated top of his class at Harvard and works for Goldman Sachs doesn’t mean you guys are a match made in heaven. be realistic and really understand what you need from a potential SO.
About Carla Clunis
You can find more of Carla’s musings on love and relationships at www.theheartmalfunctions.com where she blogs about the ups and downs of dating and relating.
—— By: Carla Clunis
We’ve all been there – in a relationship situation that has us asking: what is expected of me? What do I need to give back for this relationship to work? Relationships are complex and require effort from both parties. But just how much effort, and what kind of effort we’re supposed to put in, isn’t always clear. In this article, we’ll discuss ‘Relationships: What’s On Your End?’
Are you putting enough into your relationships? Are you giving too much or too little? It’s important to figure out where the balance lies so that our relationships can be healthy and mutually beneficial. We’ll explore different types of relationships, such as romantic partnerships, friendships, family dynamics and professional connections. There will also be some tips on how to ensure that everyone involved gets their needs met equally.
If you have ever felt like something is missing in your relationships or wondered why they aren’t flourishing despite putting in maximum effort then read on! Let’s see if together we can figure out what it takes to make them successful and satisfying.
Defining Commitment
When it comes to relationships, commitment is key. It can be difficult for two people to define what this means as everyone has their own idea of what a committed relationship entails. One way to begin understanding your own perspective on commitment is by looking at the language you use when discussing relationships with yourself and others. Words like “commitment”, “loyalty” and “dedication” are words that demonstrate an individual’s desire to invest in another person emotionally and spiritually.
It is also important to look at the actions taken within a relationship that illustrate commitment. People often talk about how they want their partner to put them first but don’t always explain what this looks like or how it should manifest itself in daily life. This kind of investment comes through little things such as making time for one another, checking-in regularly, and being supportive when times get tough. These small acts can go far in demonstrating someone’s dedication towards a relationship and help create security between partners.
Commitment isn’t just about offering support during hard times though; it’s also about celebrating each other’s successes too! Being there for your partner when they share good news or have achieved something special shows that you’re invested in their growth and happiness which further strengthens the bond between both parties. So think about what commitments mean to you and start putting those into practice today.
Evaluating Expectations
Having a clear understanding of commitment is just one step in creating healthy relationships. It’s also important to consider what expectations each person has and how they affect the relationship dynamic. Evaluating expectations can be difficult as it requires honest conversations between both partners about their desired outcomes from being together. This involves talking through underlying needs, wants, and goals that are unique to each person; many times these can go unspoken or unnoticed until brought up directly.
It’s essential for people to share openly with their partner so there is no confusion down the line when it comes time to make decisions. Having an awareness of what matters most to everyone involved allows room for compromise while still maintaining respect for individual values. Additionally, recognizing potential differences in opinion can help create a stronger bond by building trust and validating feelings without judgement.
In order for any relationship to work successfully, all parties must have realistic expectations concerning the level of investment needed from each side. While this may require extra effort at first, open communication will result in better understanding and more meaningful connections over time. Taking the time now to evaluate your own desires will ultimately lead to greater satisfaction later on when it comes to fulfilling relationships.
Conclusion
Commitment in relationships is an important factor for both parties to consider. It’s essential that each partner evaluate their own expectations and determine what they need out of the relationship and how they can best meet those needs. By understanding what you require from your partner, it becomes easier to have a mutually satisfying connection with them.
My advice would be to take some time and reflect on what commitment means to you in a partnership. Think about how much effort and energy are you willing to put into sustaining this bond? What kind of boundaries do you need in order for the relationship to function effectively? Once these questions are answered, communication becomes key.
It’s also important to remember that relationships don’t always work out as planned – no matter how hard we try or how committed we are. So while it may not always be easy, by being honest with yourself, evaluating your expectations, having open conversations and setting healthy boundaries, together you should be able to create an enduring and fulfilling relationship.
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