I love love LOVE Ne-Yo!!! While listening to Pandora last week at work, “His Mistakes” started to play and it really just spoke to me. Lately, in dealing with this new long distance situation with Mike, I’ve been rehashing a few of the ups and downs we’ve experienced together and this song really brought me back to the very first weeks of us dating.
Not sure if I ever shared this, but I didn’t start dating Mike with any real intentions or expectations of us getting this far. Although I had been single for several months prior to meeting Mike, I still felt completely burnt out and shut off from my previous relationship. Mike and I can joke about this now, but everything this song talks about I was doing to him.
Thinking back as to my reasons for doing this…I honestly was over the disappointment that came with dating and trying to make a relationship work. Ladies, I get it, it’s hard to turn away from the past and look ahead with an open heart but making a good guy pay for our baggage isn’t right either. Fellas, if you’ve ever had to pay for the mistakes of another, here’s why it happened…
We’re Hurt and Don’t Understand Why Things Fell Apart
I’ll keep it all the way 100, a key reason you’re paying for Tony’s mistakes is because Tony wrecked havoc on the very structure of our hearts, leaving it in crumbles. We’re hurt and all we’re really seeking is something you can’t give us: closure. Why did he do whatever it is he did, why didn’t we matter enough, why weren’t we good enough and why is he okay with the end result are all questions that plague the inner recesses of our minds when you ask us what’s wrong and we respond by saying nothing.
We’re Still Talking To The Ex To “Figure Things Out”
Sorry ladies, but I’m keeping it real with the guys today and going to just put it out there that another key reason you’re feeling grief is because the ex is still in the picture. Whether it’s to figure things out or to work towards rebuilding what was destroyed, you’re not our #1 priority and whenever you come around, we shut down as a result because we really wish it was our ex standing in front of us. We take a peak at our phones every ten minutes, not because we’re waiting for our bestie to play us in Words For Friends but because we want to make sure we don’t miss any texts from the ex.
We Haven’t Taken The Time To Properly Deal With The Break-up
A lot of women think that time is the key to getting over a break-up but it isn’t. If you miss someone and haven’t dealt with the reality that they’re gone, you’re not emotionally ready to start something new. If you’re constantly checking up on them on Facebook to see who they’re dating or how much fun they’re having without you, you’re not over it. Still have their pictures laying around or talk to your friends about how you two used to be so good together? Don’t waste the new dude’s time and settle your issues before trying something new.
We Just Want To Be Alone But Don’t Know How To Tell You
This is self-explanatory. It comes from a female just flat out being emotionally unavailable and not wanting to deal with the ups and downs of having another person enter her life. Early on, this was part of my problem with Mike. He was a good guy who tried hard to show me he had nothing but the best intentions but, for a long while I just didn’t want what he was offering.
I didn’t give advice on what to do if you were dealing with the other three because there’s nothing really you can do in those situations. If her ex is still a factor or she’s still concerned about the relationship why even bother? However, after the pain from the past has settled and she’s over the previous guy there sometimes sets in a sort of “eff it all attitude” or the “I don’t need a man” bitterness Black women are stereotyped with having. Help her open up the idea of letting someone else in, support her, and don’t stifle her. Don’t dwell into the friend zone and let her know you’re interested in more but are willing to move at her pace. If she’s accepting dates and gradually sharing more with you, patience may be all it takes and if she’s worth it why not wait?
We’re Just Not Convinced You’re Any Different
The other part of why I was reluctant to give Mike a chance was that I wasn’t convinced things would be any different with him. Things are always great in the beginning and then they fall apart, what’s to say this won’t. The thing that opened me up to the idea of taking Mike more seriously was that, after awhile and almost unintentionally, he showed me what I would be getting and showed me exactly the type of person he was. He stopped trying to impress me and started to be who he naturally was. Can’t say this would work for you, but if the person you’re interested in isn’t convinced you’re different try to understand why they think that and really assess whether or not you are. If you are, why not be yourself? Eventually, they should come around and if they don’t you can move on knowing that you were absolutely honest in every way with them and it had nothing to do with something you did or didn’t do.
In the end, getting over a break-up is very hard but the harder thing is moving on to someone new. In a perfect world, people would leave their baggage at the door but we’re not in a perfect world. If you want to build something long lasting with someone, you need to learn to accept them for everything they are and help them unpack the baggage they may be carrying around. If you can’t do that, are you even really ready for a long-term relationship? Any stories you wish to share or tips of your own are always welcome in the comments.
About Carla Clunis
You can find more of Carla’s musings on love and relationships at www.theheartmalfunctions.com where she blogs about the ups and downs of dating and relating.
—— By: Carla Clunis
When it comes to relationships, we all want them to last forever. But when things don’t work out, it can be hard to move on and find someone new who you truly connect with. We often carry our past experiences into future relationships, which can lead us to make the next person pay for an ex’s mistakes – but why do we do this? In this article, we’ll explore the reasons behind why people may feel compelled to blame their current partner for something that happened in a past relationship.
We know that breakups are never easy – whether they’re initiated by one or both parties involved. It’s natural to experience feelings of sadness and anger after a breakup, as well as wanting some closure from the other person. Unfortunately, these emotions can sometimes linger even after entering a new relationship. People may begin comparing their current situation with what took place before and hold the new person responsible for any wrongdoings of an ex.
So how does one avoid projecting unresolved feelings onto a new partner? In order to answer this question and more, let’s take a closer look at how people might unintentionally use another individual as a scapegoat due to previous heartache. By understanding where these behaviors stem from, hopefully we can learn how to prevent ourselves from blaming someone else for our own pain and suffering caused by prior failed connections.
Unresolved Issues From Previous Relationships
Relationships can be complicated, especially when one partner has experienced pain or suffering due to the other’s mistakes. When issues from past relationships are unresolved and carried into a new relationship, it can create an atmosphere of mistrust and insecurity. Even if both partners have put in effort to move on, these underlying problems still exist and may negatively impact the current relationship.
When we enter into a new relationship, we bring along our own baggage that was created by unfinished business from former ones. This could include doubts about commitment, fear of abandonment, and a lack of trust between two people. It is important for couples to recognize that these issues come with us wherever we go, as well as understand why they exist in order to address them head-on. Recognizing where these feelings stem from allows us to make conscious decisions about how to proceed in the present situation without being held back by the past.
It is possible for two individuals who were hurt before to build something strong together. The key is open communication so that each person knows what their partner needs emotionally and what will help them heal. With this understanding, each person can learn how best to support the other while also allowing space for growth and individual healing away from the relationship itself. Through patience and dedication, it is possible for two partners to overcome difficulties caused by prior relationships and start anew with a healthy foundation built upon mutual respect and understanding.
Consequences Of Blaming The Next Partner
Despite the importance of understanding and addressing unresolved issues from past relationships, it is important to remember that these experiences should not be blamed on future partners. Blaming a new partner for the mistakes made by an ex can lead to resentment and guilt for things they may have had no control over. This type of behavior only serves as a barrier to forming meaningful connections with someone else because it is impossible to move forward when we are still living in the past.
Instead of assigning blame, couples should focus on how their relationship dynamics differ from those of previous ones. Taking time to get to know each other and build trust through honest communication will help create a foundation based upon mutual respect rather than suspicion or judgement. Both parties must be willing to forgive themselves and their former partners so that they can make space for genuine connection in the present moment.
By facing our own hurtful experiences without placing blame on others, we can begin healing together and building something better than what came before. Through intentional effort and willingness to learn, two individuals who have been hurt previously can find peace within themselves while also creating something positive with one another.
Conclusion
In relationships, it’s easy to fall into the trap of blaming our current partner for the mistakes of a previous relationship. But this kind of behavior can cause more harm than good in the long run. It creates an unhealthy dynamic between partners and can prevent us from forming meaningful connections with each other. Instead, we should take time to reflect on our own personal experiences and strive to learn from them, so that we don’t continue making the same mistakes over and over again. By doing this, we can create stronger relationships where both parties feel respected and appreciated for who they are. Ultimately, it’s up to all of us to make sure that our next relationship isn’t poisoned by unresolved issues from past ones. We have the power to build something better for ourselves and for those around us – let’s not squander it!
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